nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
