Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
