They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
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