The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
Randomize
