I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
