rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I wish there were birth control emojis
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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