I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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