so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
This is not my ceiling
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
