Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Randomize
