Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
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