The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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