I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
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