Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
being pregnant is like rehab
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
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