I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
