Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
