I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
This house was built for laser tag.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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