So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
