I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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