3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Randomize
