I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
