so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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