hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
