the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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