i will never coherently bang her
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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