Kareoke will never be a sober sport
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
