I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
They took my balls.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
