if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
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I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
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she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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