peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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