i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
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