so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Randomize
