Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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