then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
They have beer where we have blood.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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