He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Randomize
