Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
