I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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