i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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