I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
After tacos, we're chasing women.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
