my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
