My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
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