You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
