K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Randomize
