I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
