she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
