I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
