im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Farmville is her only friend.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
