I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
