I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
