so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
