Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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