Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize