her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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