Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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