idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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